


The last of the real ones

by barbvin



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Killing Joke (Comics)
Genre: F/M, SAD SHIT OKAY, You've been warned, bruce dies, but also romantic i guess??, but there's some references to canon stuff, goes back and forth in time cause i'm a messy bitch, mostly babs dealing with her shit, my kinks are feelings and sadness, not really canon at all, some references to the killing joke, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-04-11 12:26:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19109641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbvin/pseuds/barbvin
Summary: "I know this whole damn city thinks it needs you, but not as much as I do"Barbara thought she was on her own after everyone goes their own way. But Bruce dies and they all have to deal with the consequences and the guilt, as well as the memories they need to share.





	1. Chapter 1

Ten minutes before she had been completely focused on her task, observing the assholes she had been chasing for weeks from a small ledge right under the ceiling. It shouldn’t be a problem, it shouldn’t be a big deal. She had it almost figured out. She sure would’ve ended it all that night if she hadn’t been distracted by her phone.

Batgirl had been taking care of small cases all by herself. It wasn’t that she didn’t want a challenge, she had never found something she couldn’t solve. But then again, with four vigilantes guarding a city, the smart people wouldn’t dare to step out and break the law.

Not so long ago, the four of them had been the perfect team. They had fought for Gotham together and in the process they had learned how to be the family they needed.

Sadly, the family that fights together doesn’t necessarily stay together.

It was good at first. Barbara thought she had been craving to be alone for a while, she thought this was a solution to her problems. They had all been fighting their own demons for too long and it would obviously pull them apart at some point.

Took longer than she would’ve liked to, but eventually she realized it was bad. Their trust and the compromise they had made to each other was the only thing keeping them all sane, and it had been broken.

The worst part was she wasn’t sure how to get it back. In fact, she was convinced there was no way. So she had learned how to work around it, and she figured they all had.

Nights in Gotham got way too dark and cold during winter, and she still had a couple hours left on this shift. While she sat on that ledge, with the sound of traffic and construction around the area helping her hide, she let her mind wonder for a second and imagine a normal life for herself.

Her phone was ringing and it shouldn’t have been a problem, she knew it was wiser to ignore the calls and return them the next morning. People didn’t call regarding serious issues during the night, it was just lonely people trying to make conversation and pretend they were living a better life. She knew it all too well, she had done it herself one too many times.

But she had glanced at the screen and seen Bruce’s name. And that was the one impulse she couldn’t control, that was the one person she couldn’t ignore.

“Kind of busy right now”, she snarled at him, trying to make the conversation as short as possible.

“Yes. I see you”, Bruce said almost mocking her.

No matter how good she got, she could never hide from him. There were times when it had become a playful, almost flirty, game of hide and seek. But then there were other times where rage had taken over her for just knowing that if he wanted to, he would’ve found her.

“You and I are meeting the commissioner in five minutes. Dick and Jason will take over for you”

Barbara’s heart was suddenly racing for many reasons.

The first one being her dad. No matter how many years she spent in the costume, the meetings with him were always tricky. The thought that he might suddenly recognize her had always been in the back of her mind, even though she knew he would never, he wouldn’t dare to think that was the girl he had raised.

Even worse than that, the moonlight would always cause that dark and nostalgic looking reflection of Batgirl in her father’s glasses, and as much as she wanted to see herself in it, it would always make her think of the daughter Jim Gordon had lost when she answered the door of her apartment that one night.

However, the panic quickly took over and all the other issues she had seemed stupid. If Batman himself had called, and he had gotten them all together again, it could only mean _bad news_.

She ran after him until they reached that ceiling. The GCPD building was one she usually tried to avoid, for obvious reasons, and since splitting up with her group she hadn’t visited it at all. Her lungs were struggling with letting the air in and her knees weren’t the strongest they had ever been.

But she discovered still, after everything, standing next to the Batman felt right.

The commissioner looked terrible. There was something somber in his eyes she thought she had never seen before, but it still looked familiar. After a couple seconds she recalled she had seen it once before.

Barbara was not a forgetful person. Her memory was in fact the only thing that had never failed her. However, the time she had spent at the hospital after the Joker’s visit was a different thing. It wasn’t that she couldn’t remember, it wasn’t that simple. But those moments just didn’t feel real, they felt like memories that belonged to someone else and were still stuck in her head for some reason.

Two things from that time had remained with her. In between all the blurry images, there were two very distinct reminders that came to her mind whenever she needed something to ground her.

First, Bruce’s hand holding hers, the first time she woke up, while he sat next to the hospital bed.

Second, her dad’s face when she woke up again. He was standing next to the door unaware that he was being observed. His eyes were grim in a way that would make anyone sane want to run or hide. However, Barbara didn’t felt sane anymore, she wasn’t sure anyone she knew felt sane at all.

“Joker’s back”, Jim said. His voice was somber and it was so full of venom he could barely get the words out.

 

* * *

 

She felt her phone vibrate and allowed herself to glance at the screen. It had been an extremely calm night and although she was changed and ready to go, she had spent most of it sitting on the edge of a building trying to string her thoughts together. The odd tranquility had sent her into a strange state of mind and letting it go through her seemed like the smartest choice.

After all, she had been taught to never let her feelings get in the way of it.

Seeing that it was Dick calling was a surprise.

She hadn’t run into any of them in a while, not even by accident. After the weird meeting, there were no signs of her father’s theory, so they had all continued on their own paths.

Not picking up seemed like the safest choice.

Barbara had been enjoying her time by herself. Maybe it was just that she needed to get used to it. Working with a team had been fun, sure, but everyone said working with family wasn’t good and they obviously were right. Not having to deal with the complications of her personal relationships felt liberating to say the least.

Maybe being alone was the right way to live after all.

But then Jason was calling. Jason never called.

“The Joker’s dead”, he said.

It was definitely Jason, but he didn’t sound human, his voice was tense and cold. She had always imagined her friend would be thrilled by those news, in fact, he had told her so. He repeated it after a couple seconds went by without an answer, causing his voice to break.

Barbara wasn’t quite sure how to take it or what to say.  

Jason would never break his father’s rules, as much as he wanted to. It had taken time, and Bruce had asked Barbara to help on many opportunities, but they didn’t kill and that wasn’t a negotiable term. He would still talk about it, still voice his thoughts on who was not worth saving, and there was that one person they both agreed on even though she kept quiet about it.

Barbara couldn’t say anything to him after a while. She always had admired Bruce and his rules and she wouldn’t dare defy them. However, her dreams were something she didn’t control. And after dreaming every night about killing the Joker with her own hands, the shame and guilt that came with Bruce’s lectures would not make her life any easier.

That was an ideal situation for all of them. The Joker was dead. Of course there would be consequences, but Barbara couldn’t think of a reason that simple statement would upset his friend so much. Something was wrong.

“What is it?” By the time she was able to get it out, so much tension had made its way through her body that she was almost screaming at him.

“Bruce”, it was a whisper so soft she could barely hear it, but as the sound reached her ear, it sent a wave of electricity all over her body. The last time she had felt that paralyzed, she had actually been shot.

And suddenly she didn’t need him to say it, she knew exactly what was happening. Not that she had accepted it, but her heart had stopped and there was nothing else in the world that seemed to matter.

“He’s dead. They’re both dead”

 

* * *

 

 

“Bruce”, Barbara called him as they walked into the cave.

It never seized to amuse her, so she would intentionally make him spend time with her alone. There was something endlessly fun in watching Batman practically running away from her, as if there was some magnetic force pulling him away.

However, it wasn’t a new thing, she had always enjoyed their time together. She had shaped her entire adult life around him. Not in a bad way, not that he ever took advantage of it, not that she regretted it. He had given her everything that felt right in her life and she was eternally grateful.

It had been a month since she had kissed Bruce for the first time.

He had blamed the adrenaline. After fights she always got in a certain mood, feeling like she could take over the world. He had told her many times before that, not to get carried away by it. So, after she reached for his face with her hands and pressed their lips together, he quickly told her off.

“Stop messing around, there’s work to do”

He kept going on about discipline and being in control at all times. He kept bursting into eternal lectures every time she got a step too close. He kept giving her stern looks night after night when she talked about it.

But she blamed him. It wasn’t an impulse and it wasn’t a foolish moment. She had been thinking about it for a long time, she had been planning the moment. There was an opportunity to get what she wanted, and she took it. Barbara knew he wasn’t going to be the one to take the first step.

“Can you stop that?” He asked very serious, or at least trying to be.

“No”

There was a half smirk on his face when he turned around and she counted it as a victory, taking some time to save that specific image in some part of her brain where she could keep it forever.

That was because she didn’t expect another kiss any time soon. But she had known Bruce for too long, she had learned to take what she could get, and half a smile followed by a soft chuckle definitely would keep her going for a while.

Bruce Wayne wasn’t a guy Barbara Gordon could claim, he wasn’t one she wanted to claim. But he was the only one she loved.

He was the one who kissed her that night.

It wasn’t long till she earned her spot in his bed, and even though she suspected it wasn’t hers alone, sometimes she imagined what life would be like if they were normal people.

She knew that no matter what they wanted, there was no chance for them. Whatever it was that they had, it wasn’t a priority, it wasn’t stable, and it wasn’t a forever.

There were times that felt as normal as they’d get. There were the nights Bruce went out alone, and showed up with countless bruises and even some stitches. They would fight, they would scream, they would end it all in the middle of curses and crying. He would leave and return with twice as many.

“You can’t help anybody if you get killed”, she desperately tried to talk some sense into him.

Barbara knew better than to expect a response. She was always a smart girl, the smartest, according to everyone she had ever met.

And everyone would be surprised to find out what kind of stupid situation she had ended up in.

“The city needs you, Bruce”

 _But I need you more_ , was always the part she kept to herself.


	2. Chapter 2

Barbara had spent four days straight locked in her apartment crying.

At some point her father had dropped by, after being sent to voicemail countless times. The man had no idea what he was getting himself into when he used his key to get in, and although she was pissed about, she knew that was exactly the reason he had it. Her father was bringing her food after being ignored for days and even though she knew she should’ve felt guilty, she was too hungry to think about that.

It wasn’t an easy conversation, in fact it wasn’t a conversation at all. The poor man kept trying to understand why his child was so upset by the millionaire’s death. He knew she had met him a couple times at events, but of course he wouldn’t think that was enough to cause that kind of reaction.

And Barbara couldn’t explain. She couldn’t even find a way to talk at all.

After a couple hours, lots of wailing, thousands of tissues and millions of questions that mostly went unanswered he had formed a hypothesis that made sense to him, and was close enough to the truth that Barbara didn’t have to correct him.

James Gordon couldn’t figure out what had really happened. His infinite years of experience as a detective hadn’t been helpful at all which made Barbara a little bit proud, or maybe it was just to cover up the guilt, but at least she had been good at hiding stuff.

However, it seemed to make sense to him, as he put it, that his sweet and smart daughter had fallen in love with a man who was so lonely and troubled.

He tried to comfort her by telling her she had done her best, that it was her kind soul that made her love him for who he was, and surely it made him a happier man. She had to admit, to some degree, it helped to hear that coming from a man who knew Bruce as much as her father did. But the truth was he barely understood what a tragedy they had gone through, and the pain she was feeling.

She wished she had done her best, she wished she hadn’t given up on him, _she wished she had been there for him,_ maybe things would’ve turned out differently. She would never know.

 

* * *

 

“I think it’s time you come over Miss Gordon”, Alfred said and she was so confused, he sounded _sane_ on the phone.

She couldn’t. She couldn’t face Dick and Jason. As much as she was hurting -and it was a lot, her heart was shattered- they had lost their father. She had kept herself from even thinking about them because the guilt might had been too much, which ended up with her ignoring two of the best friends she had.

That was it, that was her support system. She had alienated everyone she had left, so it made sense that she had to spend two weeks locked up by herself.

“How are you doing there?”, she spoke, and it was the first time in almost a week. Her voice was shaky and fragile, even though the pain on her throat was not as bad as she imagined it would be.

“Everything’s gone to shit. It’s shit. Life is shit. The world is shit”, the old man replied and it was so unusual to hear him curse that it alarmed Barbara. It seemed as if he was having an opportunity to let it out for the first time, so she just listened.

“But I’ve lived through this already, and I know for a fact there’s a good reason to keep going. In fact, this time I have two and I know we’ll be fine with time. I just think the boys miss you and-”

“How dare he leave you alone?” Barbara asked, genuinely upset, or maybe even angry. The lump in her throat was too much and she couldn’t help but interrupt him. However, a second later she was crying again on the phone and she had never felt so ridiculous.

“We’re not. We’re not alone. And you shouldn’t be either. You should be here with the boys” Alfred’s voice broke towards the end and it was too much for her to handle.

She literally jumped from the couch where she had been living, or _rather dying_ , and after throwing some clothes into a bag ran out of her apartment.

 

* * *

 

“I’m sorry”, Barbara dropped to her knees in front of the couch where Dick and Jason were sitting.

The older one seemed to be reading a book, which was immediately put down after they were surprised by the redhead walking in. The scene was something familiar, and it made her heart wrench inside of her chest, knowing it wasn’t the same it had always been.

“Hi”, Dick said, ignoring her apology.

She hadn’t realized how much she needed to hear him speak, to be with them. She also wasn’t sure what she was sorry for, so at least she wouldn’t have to explain that one.

He took her hand and pulled her into the couch, in between them. Dick placed a blanket so it would cover all of them and she quickly settled into the space, finally understanding why Alfred wanted her to go there. The old man immediately entered the room bringing tea and then took another seat.

“He really appreciated moments like this”, Alfred let out after a couple minutes of silence “He could watch you kids do anything for hours. I know maybe he didn’t say it often, maybe that was my fault somehow, but nothing made him happier than moments like this one”.

“It wasn’t your fault” Dick quickly clarified. “I don’t think it was anyone’s fault”

“He just wasn’t sure how to be a father” Barbara said.

She was crying. It was no surprise because she had been doing it a lot, but it felt different than before, it felt like maybe there was some progress.

But she seemed to have their attention and she figured they had already heard enough of each other, maybe they wanted to hear her for a change.

“I’ve noticed him trying to get advice from my dad, but Bruce was never subtle, that was one thing he was never any good at”, she told them, and even though it still was heart breaking to even think about him, she could feel the butterflies in her stomach too “I caught him off guard a couple times. He was so proud, he would never stop talking about both of you, not even when we were alone and–”, she trailed off, thinking maybe it wasn’t the right time to talk about their dates.  

The room fell into silence. The comfort of being in each other’s company was the only thing not letting them fall into absolute misery, and fortunately it was enough. Jason raised a hand to wipe away some of Barbara’s tears while Dick tried to smile through all of it, they were still themselves after all, even if they didn’t feel like it.  

“I guess the old man did get some things right” Dick commented but quickly hid his face in his hands as he finally let out some of the heartbreak, but obviously he would not let anyone see it.

“He loved you too Barb”, Jason said after a couple seconds and everyone looked intrigued.

Barbara certainly had no idea what he was talking about.

Bruce was secretive. He was modest and at times even dull. Sure, he had some sweet moments, but she always had thought of it as something involuntary. He seemed to consider it a weakness but sometimes he couldn’t keep it in.

There were kisses, hugs and smiles. There were entire nights she spent in his bed, he covered her in sweet words and gentle touches, and he made her feel there was nothing better. There were mornings where he wouldn’t let her go and made her believe that maybe that was it, maybe that was what they were looking for.

It wasn’t. She understood they were meant to do greater things. She understood no one could know.

“He told me once. He said he had made a choice in his life and it was too late to take it back. He explained I didn’t have to make the same choice, in fact he told me not to make the same choice, but he had a glass of whiskey in his hand so I don’t think he was being logical.”

After the young boy made that comment Alfred chuckled. Then Dick laughed, and finally Barbara smiled for the first time in what felt like forever.

Even if she wasn’t sure he would’ve chosen her, it was nice to know he could think with his heart sometimes.

“At that point I think he forgot he was talking to me. He said he had fallen in love with a girl, who was a lot younger than him, he mentioned the red hair and that’s when I realized it was you. He told me that after seeing you in the hospital he understood his mistakes, but he couldn’t take it back and he had to push you away. He was so upset he had ruined your life. I tried to argue but he wouldn’t let me, of course”.

The boy made a pause and apologized but he needed to remember the exact words his father had used. It seemed important enough for them to wait.

“He said he wished he could’ve given you something better, that maybe he would, in another life”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm too much of a perfectionist and I would never let go of this one tbh but I'm forcing myself to be done with it so.   
> Hope someone other than me enjoys it

**Author's Note:**

> This was very much Just For Me but I hope if someone reads it they enjoy it. Sorry for the sadness.


End file.
